If you were looking for in-depth film breakdown, or one of my opponent scouting reports, or even a Colts-centric article, you’ve arrived at the wrong article. Welcome to the weekly conspiracy report where I, Chris Shepherd, will examine nefarious plots around the league and expose them for what they are. Now sure, I won’t be able to provide you any “proof” and no, I don’t have any sources (that you know of). What follows should be treated purely as entertainment that includes plausible (and not so plausible) scenarios that no one employed by NFL teams would ever admit to and I accept no responsibility for anything you do with the information I’m about to give you. In fact I accept no responsibility for anything you’re about to read here.
In this week ten exposé of NFL conspiratorial glory, we’re going to take a look at Jim Irsay’s off season séance that led to the drafting of Quenton Nelson and Braden Smith and ultimately fixing the Colts offensive line issue for the first time in the Luck era.
Jim Irsay is a unique character. Love him or hate him, it’s impossible to argue with the fact that he is nothing short of eccentric. So when a source came to me during the team’s bye week and dropped this bombshell in my inbox, it was surprising but hardly shocking. It seems, according to my source, that Jim Irsay in an attempt to gain an advantage over the 31 other NFL teams, let Chris Ballard handle the day to day football operations and turned his own focus to less conventional methods.
In the months leading up to the 2018 draft Jim Irsay began attempting to contact the dead in an effort to learn forbidden knowledge that may help the 2018 Indianapolis Colts.
My source, who was in the room for every session, tells the story better than I can so here is an excerpt of a series of emails I was sent:
When we first started Jim was obsessed with talking to dead musicians. Everyone from Bach to Prince was on the table. He believes he made contact with John Lennon but he was disappointed to learn that Paul McCartney didn’t actually die and get replaced with someone else. After an unproductive session with a spirit claiming to be Kurt Cobain, Jim set his sights on improving the Colts saying that there was always time to talk to dead musicians later.
This was some time toward the middle of March. All of these dates kind of start to run together in my memory during this time. Jim was obsessed with trying to talk to all of the coaching greats; George Halas, Tom Landry, Knute Rockne, Vince Lombardi, Paul Brown, Don Coryell and Bill Walsh. All of them.
Early on he was having some success but explaining to Rockne, Lombardi, Brown and Halas that the fullback position was essentially dead became a challenge. Rockne, even in death, is some kind of a debater. He made a good case to Jim that he should draft Dimitri Flowers the fullback from OU with his first pick.
By the end of March or maybe the start of April, Jim was having trouble keeping Walsh’s attention and just when Mr. Irsay began to give up hope someone came through that demanded everyone’s attention.
By this point we had broken out a Ouija board a lot like this one:
We knew someone was moving the planchette from the beyond but it just kept going to the left of all of the letters, right next to the “A” over and over again. Eventually someone said sarcastically “This one keeps trying to find Caps Lock” the room laughed and the planchette flew to “YES”
We asked if he wanted everything to be written in capital letters, once again the planchette moved to “YES”. Over the course of the next two weeks this caps lock-loving spirit came through day after day.
At first Jim wanted to move on but this spirit peaked his interest by spelling out “JOHNNY U SAYS HELLO”. After a few questions, harsh answers (Mr. Irsay doesn’t really like being called James, but the spirit insisted) and multiple references to Baltimore, Jim was hooked.
Jim started trying to guess who this brazen spirit was. Marchibroda? No. Unitas? No. Keith Molesworth? No. Finally Jim gave up and asked the spirit who he was, assuming it had to be a former Baltimore player or coach given the nature of the conversation. To everyone’s surprise the spirit spelled:
GEORGE COSTANZA III
Another person in the room made a comment about wasting time talking to a Seinfeld character and what followed was an unprecedented string of profanity that I have never seen in more than 25 years of near daily Oujia board use.
After the all caps f-bombs and newly given nicknames ceased, Jim Irsay started asking this Costanza guy about the direction of the team. He had some unflattering things to say about the decision to hire “RONALD MCDONALDS” but said he thought Reich was going to do a good job. Next Costanza berated the Colts as an organization and their inability to protect Andrew Luck over the course of his career.
Costanza told Irsay to draft Quenton Nelson and he said that he had seen the future and Braden Smith would end up being a ten year starter at either guard or tackle. Irsay tried to argue about drafting a guard so early and Costanza said something about “FAT BOYS UP FRONT” and let Irsay know that with Nelson the Colts would win multiple super bowls during the next decade but without him, Luck’s career would be over in just three seasons.
After it was all said and done Costanza made Jim Irsay, a billionaire owner of an NFL team say out loud that he promised to draft Quenton Nelson and Braden Smith if at all possible. As soon as the words came out of Jim’s mouth, all activity stopped. The planchette wouldn’t move, the lights stopped flickering and just as quickly as it began GEORGE COSTANZA III was gone, back into the ether from which he came.
After George left Jim didn’t want to continue the sessions. He said he had learned everything he needed to learn and after the draft he wanted to try to get back in contact with Jimi Hendrix but for now, he was finished.
That was the last time I was invited to a Jim Irsay séance.
Had any other NFL owner been accused of such things, I would have likely shrugged off this email as the ramblings of a crazy person, but something, or perhaps someone urged me not to ignore it.
Jim Irsay, during in an attempt to communicate with deceased NFL coaching greats, instead got all of his information from none other than George Costanza III and the results have been amazing. All Colts fans owe George a debt of gratitude for the information he was able to pass along to Jim Irsay and for finally fixing the offensive line that is protecting Andrew Luck.
For those of you who are new around here or happen to be visiting from another SB Nation blog, George Costanza III was a long time member of the Stampede Blue community. He was an interesting guy who told amazing stories about the history of the NFL that you couldn’t find anywhere else. George, knew stuff that nobody wrote about in the early days. He could seemingly remember a two year starter at guard for the Baltimore Colts from 1973-74 and tell you who on the current Colts roster reminded him of that guy.
George had a great and valuable knowledge base but he was also a provocateur, he pushed buttons and brandished his opinions like weapons in the hands of a madman looking to settle a score with whatever poor soul who happened to work for the Colts when they fell into his cross hairs. Most regular, longtime users probably had more than a few run-ins with George and his ALL CAPS LOCK ANTICS AND HIS FREQUENTLY OBSCENE NICKNAMES that he seemed to give out to anyone who disagreed with him or anyone who happened to be Art Jones (the first “fat boy” I remember), made for some highly entertaining comment sections, back before we had any real standards for the use of profanity.
Despite his all caps ramblings that seemed to start mid paragraph and end as suddenly as they began, there was something about George that endeared him to many in this community. It would be impossible to say that he didn’t love Colts football. He was passionate. His knowledge of the history of the NFL and the Colts was second to none. He was a valuable member of this community who generated more conversations than I could ever hope to. George loved the Colts, hated the Patriots, he loved interacting with other Colts fans and he loved sharing his opinion to any and all that would read it. At his posting peak George developed quite the following, if a new Costanza written fanpost went up it was only a matter of time before there were 100+ comments.
George Costanza III, passed away before the 2018 draft. One thing he focused on more than most others was the Colts inability to protect Andrew Luck. We’re halfway through the 2018 season and this is the best offensive line I can remember seeing from any Colts team and they haven’t given up a sack for multiple games in a row. George would have been happy. Stampede Blue will never be the same without George, so this one is for him.
Rest in peace, George. I hope heaven has a few 80” flat screens and you’re enjoying the show as much as the rest of us.
*Once again, please note this article is purely meant for entertainment and the conversation it can create. Chris Shepherd may or may not actually believe anything above. By looking at current events through alternative viewpoints we hope to come away with a better understanding of what we’re seeing by considering something we’ve never considered. Worst case? We have a lot of fun with conspiracy theories and turn on old episodes of the X-Files while wearing our tin-foil hats.
Links to the previous weeks conspiracies:
Week 9: Conspiracy Bye Week